The hardest part of writing this post is getting it started...
I recently miscarried my baby. When I woke up Thursday morning (Jan 12) I knew something was wrong. As soon as I got all my kids off to school I called my OB and he had me come in right away. (I brought Bryce with me thinking a 2 year old would be a good distraction.) As soon as my doctor started the ultrasound I knew my baby was gone. What a horrible thing to see. I was 12 weeks along I had already had a few healthy ultrasounds. I had seen my baby moving... her heart beating, but this time there's nothing. Just a very small, unmoving baby floating there. My doctor looked for what felt like a very long time before saying "Well shoot, I'm sorry." He didn't need to tell me, I knew.
Because of how far along I was, my doctor said it would be easiest and safest for me to have a D&C that night. So I called Scott and told him he should probably come home and to call his mom so she could come watch the kids while we were at the hospital. The rest of the day I tried to focus on how hungry I was. Since D&Cs are considered surgery I wasn't allowed to eat for the rest of the day, and since I had kinda a crazy morning and had not been feeling well the night before I hadn't eaten since about 6pm on Wednesday night. And focusing on hunger seemed less awful then everything else.
Everything went as well as it could at the hospital. I was only there for about 6 hours.
The next day I sent most of the day in bed. Luckily, the kids didn't have school that Friday and Scott was able to stay home from work.
By Saturday I was feeling a lot better physically, but emotionally I felt cheated. I had been sick for the past 8 weeks this baby. That is 2 months that I felt like I was being a crappy mom to my kids because I was so sick and tired all the time. I have know I was pregnant for since since mid-November. I loved this baby, I had names picked out, I knew deep down that this baby would be a girl. I had planned what her nursery would look like. The blessing gown I was going to make her. I had even bought her little gold shoes. And now she was just gone. One day I was pregnant, the next I was not, and I got nothing.
It was on Saturday that I decided I needed to make the baby a quilt. I needed to to do something, to have something. So I went to the fabric store, bought the fabric I had been eyeing and got started.
There will be no tutorial for this quilt, because I used a pattern from
V & Co. I possibly could have figured out how to piece houndstooth on my own, but I wasn't really in the mood for a lot of thinking. I just wanted to make something and not think a lot. and it is a really great pattern/tutorial.
I love the back of this quilt as must as the front. These are the fabric I was going to use in her nursery... when I found out she was in fact a girl. I am glad I still used them.
My family and I are doing well now. I have been trying to get our home back in order and take time to enjoy the 4 children I do have. I actually lost a baby between my Baby Brycey and Logan. I think having been through this before has help me to be able to grieve this loss. And I feel a lot of comfort knowing that I have an eternal family and none of my children will ever truly be lost to me.
It is also good to know that I am not alone in this. There are so many women suffered a similar loss. We are a sisterhood, uniquely qualified to understand, it doesn't matter how far along you are. The moment the test comes back positive you are in love and a loss is a loss. It sucks, but the hurt doesn't have to last forever.
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