Friday, January 27, 2012

A Quilt For The Baby I Carried, But Never Held

The hardest part of writing this post is getting it started...


I recently miscarried my baby.  When I woke up Thursday morning (Jan 12) I knew something was wrong.  As soon as I got all my kids off to school I called my OB and he had me come in right away. (I brought Bryce with me thinking a 2 year old would be a good distraction.)  As soon as my doctor started the ultrasound I knew my baby was gone.  What a horrible thing to see.  I was 12 weeks along I had already had a few healthy ultrasounds.  I had seen my baby moving... her heart beating, but this time there's nothing.  Just a very small, unmoving baby floating there.  My doctor looked for what felt like a very long time before saying "Well shoot, I'm sorry."  He didn't need to tell me, I knew.

Because of how far along I was, my doctor said it would be easiest and safest for me to have a D&C that night.  So I called Scott and told him he should probably come home and to call his mom so she could come watch the kids while we were at the hospital.  The rest of the day I tried to focus on how hungry I was.  Since D&Cs are considered surgery I wasn't allowed to eat for the rest of the day, and since I had kinda a crazy morning and had not been feeling well the night before I hadn't eaten since about 6pm on Wednesday night.  And focusing on hunger seemed less awful then everything else.

Everything went as well as it could at the hospital.  I was only there for about 6 hours.

The next day I sent most of the day in bed.  Luckily, the kids didn't have school that Friday and Scott was able to stay home from work.

By Saturday I was feeling a lot better physically, but emotionally I felt cheated.  I had been sick for the past 8 weeks this baby.  That is 2 months that I felt like I was being a crappy mom to my kids because I was so sick and tired all the time.  I have know I was pregnant for since since mid-November.  I loved this baby, I had names picked out, I knew deep down that this baby would be a girl.  I had planned what her nursery would look like.  The blessing gown I was going to make her.  I had even bought her little gold shoes.  And now she was just gone.  One day I was pregnant, the next I was not, and I got nothing.


It was on Saturday that I decided I needed to make the baby a quilt.  I needed to to do something, to have something.  So I went to the fabric store, bought the fabric I had been eyeing and got started.

There will be no tutorial for this quilt, because I used a pattern from V & Co.   I possibly could have figured out how to piece houndstooth on my own, but I wasn't really in the mood for a lot of thinking.  I just wanted to make something and not think a lot.  and it is a really great pattern/tutorial.



I love the back of this quilt as must as the front.  These are the fabric I was going to use in her nursery... when I found out she was in fact a girl.  I am glad I still used them.



My family and I are doing well now.  I have been trying to get our home back in order and take time to enjoy the 4 children I do have.  I actually lost a baby between my Baby Brycey and Logan.  I think having been through this before has help me to be able to grieve this loss.   And I feel a lot of comfort knowing that I have an eternal family and none of my children will ever truly be lost to me.

It is also good to know that I am not alone in this.  There are so many women suffered a similar loss.  We are a sisterhood, uniquely qualified to understand,  it doesn't matter how far along you are.  The moment the test comes back positive you are in love and a loss is a loss.   It sucks, but the hurt doesn't have to last forever.




93 comments:

  1. Laura, you are in my prayers. I miscarried almost twenty years ago and it still hurts. I have three beautiful teenagers but still grieve the loss. Hugs to you as you heal.

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  2. I am sincerely sorry for your loss. What a nice tribute the quilt is. Made with your love.

    Kim

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    1. Thank You. All the support mean a lot to me.

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  3. The quilt is beautiful and I'm sure your baby was too. I'm so sorry for your loss!

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  4. You may hear this (or read it) over and over again: I miscarried, too. At 12 weeks. And I had been feeling really crummy most of those 12 weeks, too. It's been 6 years already, but, only after reading your entry today, did I realize how much I wish I could have put my sadness (at the time) into words - you shared your experience so beautifully, and your daughter has a special place in your family because you love her! How beautiful that you are also able to create for her...not one of us is alone...thanks for the reminder.

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    1. Thank you. It is so hard to find the words in a situation like this. I appreciate all the support I have received from so many.

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  5. So sorry for your loss. The quilt is just darling. Prayers for you and yours. xo

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  6. What a beautiful tribute to your daughter. No, you aren't alone and you're right, the hurt doesn't last forever. Blessings to you and your beautiful family. xo

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  7. Praying for you and your family as you continue to heal, Laura!

    -Bonnie @ Revolutionaries
    http://bonniegetchell.blogspot.com

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  8. So sorry for your loss. It's comforting to know that you will see her again isn't it? I love the quilt you made for her. A wonderful keepsake until you can meet again.

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    1. Thanks, it is nice to know I will see her and my other little one again.

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  9. I'm so sorry for your loss, Laura. Your baby girl's quilt is beautiful. I lost my first little girl to a misscarriage 4 years ago this week. Bless your heart.

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  10. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have had two miscarriages and yes even though I'm now blessed w/ 3 kiddos it still hurts.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. It is nice to know I am not alone.

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  11. Oh Laura, I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel so awful now for commenting yesterday about the pregnancy. I've also experienced this loss and it took us 3 years and some extra help to conceive this time. I am very sorry and you are in my thoughts.

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    1. Please don't feel bad. You didn't know. I should have let everyone know what was going on sooner. I appreciate all comments. I know I have been very blessed to have the children I do have. When you think about all it takes to get them here, children really are a miracle. Good luck with your pregnancy. I always wanted to have a baby with a July birthday. (Fun birthday parties) :)

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  12. I, too, have felt your pain! I lost my first little girl a long time ago on my dad's birthday, January 29th. That is this Sunday! It's always a rough day for me, but the Lord blessed me two fold after that with two perfect, wonderful children. And again, now, with two perfect, wonderful grandchildren! I wish you peace my unknown friend! May you feel God's love and presence as you heal! Lydia

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    1. Thank you. I will be thinking of you this Sunday.

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  13. absolutely beautiful quilt and an awesome way to remember her. I too have had such a loss. I have had 3 miscarriages and it is tough no matter how far along you are. Praying for comfort!!

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    1. I am so sorry you have had to go through this so many times. Thank you for your prays and support.

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  14. I am so glad you made her a quilt. It can be so hard to lose someone so beloved and have nothing tangible to hold. Sending you love and prayers. I lost two darlings during pregnancy a few years ago, I have gained two darlings since then.

    Russell M Nelson from his talk Doors of Death - Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” (D&C 42:45.)

    Whatever your baby girl's age, she was and is loved by you, so mourn away dear sister.

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    1. Thanks you. I am sorry for your loss also. That is a wonderful quote. Elder Nelson is amazing.

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  15. I'm so sorry to hear this sad news. The quilt is stunning and a wonderful daily reminder that there is a sweet little angel up there watching over you and your family.

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  16. I'm so sorry to read this, it's a beautiful tribute to yourself and your precious daughter. I love the quilt and the physical presence of it will be a sweet reminder of the wee one waiting for you.

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  17. :( i know ur pain all to well...i MC twice in a row 2010..one being a twin of the daughter i gave birth to last june...miracles happen they do stay strong <3 the quilt is so beautiful. Deinately a lovely way to remember your beautiful angel baby <3

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    1. I can't imagine the pain of loosing a twin, but after my first miscarriage (in 2009) I got pregnant with my Baby Bryce right away. Bryce has always been so dear to me because of of the loss I felt and the joy he brought. Thank you for your support.

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  18. I think your quilt is beautiful. You are correct,it is an elete sisterhood. I too am grateful for the knowledge of eternal families. My husband & I lost our first baby before we had been to the temple, yet that day my understand of eternal family came with a comfort that words could not express.

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    1. Isn't the gospel a wonderful thing. I am glad for the comfort you received. Thank you for your comment.

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  19. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Sending love your way.

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  20. I'm so sorry to read this. I have miscarried and lost my son at 4 months. Both equally devistating. The quilt you made for you daughter is a beautiful way to remember and honor her. You know that she is loved. Take care.

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    1. Oh I am so sorry. Thank you for your support.

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  21. I'm so sorry! My heart just aches for you. I've worn those sheos and know they are not fun. The moments and feelings are so tender. I love the quilt! May the peace if the Lord be poured out upon your family!!

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  22. Oh Laura, thank you for sharing this. I have really been thinking about you often after hearing of your news. Know that prayers are being sent your way.

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  23. Bless you,your family, and your sweet baby girl. I have walked in your shoes and it is so difficult. I think the quilt is such a beautiful reminder of her. You are an amazing mother to make such a beautiful gift for your family. Take good care of you. I will be lifting you guys up in prayer.

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  24. Yep. Been there. I went for the 18 week sonogram...you know the one when they can see the sex of the baby? I had already heard the heartbeat a number of times, and had one sonogram at 12 weeks that was normal. What I remember most from the experience was that I was glad that I had seen a baby, even if it didn't make it. It had taken me over 2 years to get pregnant. I knew I could get pregnant. That's all that mattered to me. I could have found out the sex of the baby at the time of the D & C, I chose not because I didn't want to attach myself to something that was never going to be. That was just me. I also didn't wait that period of time the doctors tell you to wait to try again and I became pregnant with my first born within a few months. So glad you already have 4 kids to keep you busy. Love them everyday.

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    1. I am so sorry for your loss. It is such a hard thing. Thank you for your support.

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  25. Sending you many thoughts and prayers. I too, miscarried a baby at 12 weeks and the hurt is unexplainable to those who have never experienced it. My favorite comment was from the nurse that told me I was in the process of miscarrying, "Well, you have 4 other children." Like that made the loss any more bearable. I went on to have 2 more precious babies, but I still think of the one that I carried for such a short time, but never held. What blessing to know that in my absence, she has been given an all-encompassing love that in my human capacity, I would never have been capable of. And He's holding her until I am there to do it myself.

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    1. I got a few interesting comments myself. I have to remind myself that they were trying to help. Thank you for your support. It is nice to know she is in good hands.

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  26. I don't EVER post things on blogs that aren't people I already know, but I have been checking back to your blog for days...
    I, too, miscarried a baby, 7 years ago, now. It was hard. I am sorry. I am glad you made the quilt. I think that is a wonderful thing to do. I will say a prayer for you and your family.

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    1. Thank you for commenting. It is nice to know someone missed me.

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  27. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thank you for sharing and know that many of us are thinking of you and wishing we could make it easier.

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  28. I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our first baby just a few days after finding out I was pregnant, and that was after trying for nearly a year to conceive. I think your quilt is amazing and beautiful and I totally envy your piecing. It should be wonderful to hold when you need to send a hug to your little one in Heaven.

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    1. Thank you. Don't envy my piecing. I think it looks better in the pictures. It is a fun pattern to piece.

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  29. I am so sorry that your family has to grieve this loss. The quilt you made is beautiful, and a great way to memorialize this time. Thank you for being so open about your experience.

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    1. Thank you for your support. It means a lot.

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  30. Hugs. The quilt is beautiful. Prayers to you and your family.

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  31. I am so sorry, take this quilt and use it. Curl up on the couch, in bed, I still have one after 30+ years. Today seeing "Our" quilt makes me happy to have those moments with my baby no one else had.

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  32. My heart aches for you. I have not had a miscarriage so I cannot say I completely understand the pain in your heart right now. My husband and I have one sweet little girl, but are having trouble conceiving a second. This is a beautiful quilt, and there is a little girl in heaven smiling down on you and the sweet quilt you made her. Heavenly Father must think you are pretty amazing people to be able to bear this challenge. God bless.

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  33. So sorry for your loss. Sending a prayer your direction.

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  34. I lost my fifth child, at 12 weeks....a sweet girl....she is named Catherine.....and my husband and Home Teachers blessed me that I would raise her in the eternities. I wasn't a quilter then, but am now, and you just inspired me to make my own baby the quilt she was never wrapped in. I was pregnant again, 3 months later, and was gifted with a baby boy....we named him Jonathan...it means "gift from God", and he is. He's now 23 years old, but I still long to hold that sweet baby girl.
    Your little one is still yours,, as you know.....I have gained such comfort from knowing this.
    Your quilt is beautiful. I pray that you will gain strength and comfort from having it. xxx

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  35. What a sweet tribute to your baby, Laura! You are amazing and the quilt is beautiful. I never would have thought of that, but it's the perfect way to give your grief expression and to also find comfort. You know we mourn with you and you are all in our prayers. xoxoxoxo

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  36. I am so sorry Laura. Sending love and {hugs} your way! The quilt is beautiful, and the shoes are adorable. What a great way to mourn.

    <3

    Risa

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  37. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I am part of that sisterhood, its not one you really want to belong to, but.... It helps me a lot to think of my two babies sitting on God's lap. I know He loves them more than I can, and He takes better care of them too. Plus, it helps me to remember that my babies have lots of family in Heaven too. I realize this is probably not the reality of heaven, but it helps me. I lost two babies before we had our daughter, it really does make you treasure the one(s) you have. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

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  38. I am sorry for your loss. The blanket you made was a beautiful tribute to that life.

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  39. The beauty of life is never lost on you. The quilt is beautiful and so were your words. Thank you for sharing that beauty with us all.

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  40. I'm so sorry - so sorry because I have gone through the same thing over the past 2 weeks. I too lost my baby 2 weeks ago... at 8-10 weeks. It's been so difficult - made harder because I also lost my 12-year old cat this past week too. Advanced kidney failure, suddenly. Between the two - I've been a wreck. Thank you for sharing, knowing I'm not the only one who's gone through this doesn't make it easier necessarily but it's nice to know I'm not alone in my misery.

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  41. I'm so sorry for your loss. The quilt is beautiful and I'm sure your little one is smiling on it and her dear mommy from heaven. Blessing and prayers to you.

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  42. I am so sorry to hear you lost your baby, I cannot even imagine what that must be like. I think that it is beautiful that you have this quilt and those little shoes to remember her by. <3

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  43. I know the pain and I am sorry you have to feel it.

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  44. I am so sorry for your loss. I will lift you and your family up in prayer.

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  45. I am so sorry for your loss. I will lift you and your family up in prayer.

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  46. i miscarried for the second time a few months ago. i love the idea of making something to remember her by. thanks so much for sharing, and i'll be praying for you and your family!

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  47. I miscarried at 18 weeks, and I often wonder if I should have made something for that baby. They're still part of the family, so after seeing you make this beautiful quilt, I think I'll do something. They never told me the gender, but anything from the heart will be wonderful even 18 months later.

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  48. I'm so sad to read this. Know I'll be thinking of you and your family. Sending prayers and hugs your way! Glad you made such a beautiful quilt to remind you of your sweet baby girl. What a nice memory.

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  49. Sad to be part of this sister hood. Praying for you and your family. The quilt is just lovely and I pray it brings you the comfort you seek .

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  50. What a beautiful post and a lovely way to express your feelings. I wish I would have done something like that as well. I lost a baby at 14 weeks 6 years ago. During the D&C they discovered that I had cancer and that was the reason. I started Chemo the next week and never really had time to process it all. This was so personal and beautiful what you did and that you shared it with everyone is sweet. It opens up the opportunity for others of us to not only share with you in your pain but also your healing. Thank you!

    www.notimefortea.com

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  51. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to understand. However, my cousin has been pregnant 9 times, with 5 kids to show. The last one was farthest along and the only girl, so she and her boys planted a lily (that was going to be her name) and every time it blooms, they feel peace. I don't know if that would help. I just moved back to Layton, so if you ever want a crafting buddy, I'm close! My cousin and I have a blog crafting-cousins.blogspot.com. Again, sorry for your loss, the quilt is beautiful!

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  52. I am so sorry for your loss. I too suffered a miscarriage, two weeks ago. The pain is so raw -- and I don't think that miscarriage is something people talk enough about. I was in the middle of writing this post (http://www.angietobias.com/2012/01/pregnancy-loss.html) when your post came through my reader ... and I was compelled to press "publish" today. Thank you for the courage.

    My thoughts are with you.
    Xo,
    Angie

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  53. Beautiful quilt for your daughter's memory. Wrap yourself in the love you shared.

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  54. I love your quilt. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your quilt is such a great idea though. I have lost four babies and having something physical to hold and touch and remember has been very healing for me. I have a mothers necklace with charms for each of my angel babies. I love the idea of having a quilt though.

    Jen
    Eatingmycandy.blogspot.com

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  55. Sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my daughter 19 years ago at 20 weeks. She is never forgotten. Time does heal and your memory quilt is the most perfect thing to have dedicated to your daughters memory. My thoughts are with you always.
    Laura

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  56. I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I know how you feel - and I, too, have a blanket that I made. Yours is cute, I've always loved that pattern.

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  57. I'm so sorry for your loss. I think that making a quilt a such a beautiful way of holding onto your precious baby girl. My heart aches for you. Your quilt is stunning.

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  58. Hugs your way! Beautiful quilt and what an awesome way to remember her!

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  59. what a lovely post. love you.

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  60. I just found this, and I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I have had 5 miscarriages in total. I feel so grateful that I have my twin girls and boy . I too have found so much comfort in knowing that my family is eternal and all of my children will be mine.
    Jessica

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